


Nothing so Loyal as Love

by KuroRiya



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Death References, Depression, Human Names, M/M, Noncanonical Character Death, Romance, Suicide, This is literally just about death, if you're thinking there's going to be something happy you are wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-14
Updated: 2013-07-14
Packaged: 2017-12-20 05:09:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/883311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuroRiya/pseuds/KuroRiya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What can Mathias do when he loses his whole world? What can he do when he finally admits that Lukas isn't just on a business trip or running late, that he isn't going to be coming back? And what can those left behind do in the aftermath?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing so Loyal as Love

The grass was glistening with morning frost that had yet to melt. The sun was doing its best to make quick work of that though; surely there wouldn't be a trace of the frozen moisture left given another hour. The grass was a pale yellow, slowly dying away thanks to the exponential decrease in temperature. The trees had lost their leaves long ago, giving way to small icicles, welcoming winter in as it swept over the land.  
There was an elementary school, old, tall, and proud. It was too late in the day for any classes to be in session, but a few older children lingered at the playground, stalling before making the trip home or waiting for parents. The building was nearly as old as the town itself, made from red brick that had been weathered down to a dull rust color over the years. It would likely be there forever, one of those buildings that you just can't seem to get rid of.  
And, across from the institute of education was a graveyard. A vast, eerie thing that contrasted starkly with the brightness of the school. Nobody in town knew why the founders of the school had decided to build it right next to the ever-expanding graveyard, but neither was going anywhere, and the people just didn't care enough to look into it.  
If one really took a look at the graveyard, they might actually venture to say that it was beautiful. Hauntingly so, but beautiful none the less. Towering sculptures of marble angels, fixing their pitying stares upon the final resting place of so many, headstones in several shades, some old enough to be made of grey stone, others of newer materials.  
It wasn't a location that anyone made a habit of visiting. Occasionally a group of teenagers would go, looking for a late night adventure or fulfilling a dare. That was only at night, and they always ended up fleeing from make believe ghosts after about an hour or so. But it was day time, the sun still hovering in the sky, though it was working on making it's daily descent, not quite touching the horizon just yet. There would be no teenagers any time soon, and doubtfully any visitors other than the one already making his way through the gates.  
His boots crunched through the gravel that made a small path through the middle of the entire enclosure, a path that had recently been expanded along with the fencing to accommodate the most recent graves. It was the only graveyard in the small town, so it was constantly growing. Thankfully, there was quite a bit of land yet to be used, spanning out as a field behind the wrought-iron fence surrounding the cemetery. But that wasn't on the man's mind as he walked deeper into the graves, the thought didn't even cross it. He was too focused on picking his way back to the newest part of the graveyard.   
He absentmindedly ran his fingers through his hair, mussing it even more than his cowlicks had. He immediately regretted the action, his hair feeling coarse and a bit greasy. That reminded him that he hadn't had a shower in a while, and he wrinkled his nose in distaste. He was really starting to let himself go, and it was actually rather disgusting, even to him. He'd have to make sure to take a shower when he returned home and change into some fresh clothes. He couldn't even remember when he had slipped into what he had on; a scary prospect.  
He sighed as he left the gravel path, weaving between a few graves until he caught sight of the one he was searching for. It stood out from the others, just a bit. It was more of a modern design, chic and shiny, made of smooth black granite. There were no angels attached to it, the owner would have thought them too gaudy. There were no plastic flowers near the grave, another thing too gaudy for the owner. But there was a small cross engraved above the name, stark white against black  
The man had made it to the grave, and after staring at it for a moment, he knelt. His eyes traced the letters engraved in the stone, slowly, devoting time to each minute curve in the script.   
L-U-K-A-S.  
And underneath the name, two years. Two years that were much too close together to have been a lifespan. Following that was a small scripture, in a language most in the area didn't speak. In fact, it would be surprising if anyone in the area spoke Norwegian. But the man, despite not speaking the language, would always know what the words meant. 'Nothing's so loyal as love.'   
The man sat, folding his coat under his legs in a futile bid to avoid the dampness and cold. He just stared for a moment, then he placed the small bouquet he had brought with him before the stone, almost like an offering. He also took the time to retrieve a small, shiny object that was near the stone. Though it was a bit dirty, it was easy to see that it had been beautiful once, a clip that used to keep long bangs out of a face. He cleaned it on his shirt, making it shiny again, then sat it back down near the flowers.  
“...It took me a while to find the purple heather, but I know how much you liked it, even though you never said so. You always used to pick it when we visited home, and you'd bring it to the hotel. You used to play it off, you'd say something like 'the room looked dull,' but it was always the same flowers. And I figured you'd like these a lot more than those fake ones that other people bring. Anyway, happy anniversary.”   
He quieted, shifting his position so that he could lean his back against the headstone. He sighed, rubbing his face with his hands, focusing on his eyes which felt tired. It took him quite a few minutes to speak again.  
“I'm sorry. I know it's been too long since I visited, and I really suck for that. But it's really hard for me to come out here. If I don't visit, I can pretend like you'll be home when I get back, that you'll have dinner ready, and we can eat together. And even when I get home and you aren't there, I can tell myself that you're just working late that night. And when I wake up without you in the morning, it just means that you got called in early to work, and you were nice enough not to wake me as you left. But if I come out here, and I see this hunk of rock with your name carved in it... It's just real. Really real. And I have no choice but to accept that you aren't at home, that you're deep in this cold dirt, right under my feet. God! I wish I could just dig you up and hold you close, and... And I know that's stupid, because it's not really you anymore. It wouldn't even look like you. And it would hurt even more to see it. But I just... I miss you so much, and I don't have anything left of yours to hang on to. The bedroom doesn't even smell like you any more, and I hate it in there now. I hate everything now, I guess. And Emil moved out a little while ago, so even that little bit of you is gone. I know he isn't a replacement, but he was something we shared, he was our little brother... But he's gone now, and I don't get to see him very often. He's busy with college. And Tino got a place with his new boyfriend.” He pauses here, biting his lip a little in an attempt not to spill any tears.   
“I wonder if you'd know... Tino says he met his boyfriend here, swears it was because of you. You always did like to play match maker. I found all the romance novels you tried to hide from me, by the way. I always knew you liked that kind of stuff, but you always got so embarrassed, so I never brought it up. But now I kind of wish I had. I should have taken you to dinner more often, and danced with you in the living room for no reason, and I should have stolen more kisses, and I should have held you more often, and I should have...” He stops, trembling now with the effort of not weeping.   
“But it doesn't matter. I can't rewrite the past. And I'm sure you'd say something snarky if you could right now. I can't think of what you'd say, I've never been as clever as you... God, I even miss your sarcasm! I miss the way you always made fun of me, even though I didn't even realise it most of the time. And I miss those little punches you would throw my way, the ones that never actually hurt. But I think the thing I miss the most is you always calling me an idiot. Because I know that every time you said it, you were actually saying 'I love you'.” He was crying now, not bothering to mask his tears in the solitude of the cemetery. He reached into the bag he brought with him and pulled out a framed photograph, holding it in his hands and looking at it. Inside the frame were two men, one taller than the other. The taller was easily recognizable as the man holding the photo, though he looked much younger in the picture.   
“This is our wedding photo. Do you remember? I'm sure you were too distracted by how good I looked in my suit, but you looked amazing that day too. Way better than me, actually. And you looked so happy... You actually smiled! That's how I knew that I wasn't forcing you into it, because you were happy, and that made me happy too, and I think that everyone was happy that day. I never used to think I would love someone enough to settle down with them, but you... You shook my world up the moment you strutted into it. It was so long ago, but I remember. Kind of. I was pretty drunk, and I think you were a little too, but I still thought you were the hottest thing to ever vomit in an alley. And you were all alone, and I felt bad, so I asked if you were okej, but you just kept throwing up and glaring at me like I was the one making you do it, and I guess I just wasn't used to people not liking me, because you had me really interested. And the rest is history, I guess. You were such a hard ass though! You wouldn't even spare me the time of day for the longest time!  
But I think that's what mellowed me out, maybe. I tried so hard to get you that I wasn't even paying attention to other people, and by the time you finally relented, I was tired, and all I wanted anymore was you. That's still all I want. Maybe this is kind of like courting you again. Except... The only way I'll get to be with you now is if I die. I know you'd be pissed if I did myself in, so you definitely have to wait for me, it's only fair.”  
He laid the photo on the ground, looking up to the sky for a while, not speaking. He needed a moment to gather his thoughts.  
“...I know you never really had any beliefs one way or the other, but I really hope there's an afterlife. It's not that I especially want to experience 'eternal paradise' or something like that. I just want to believe that this isn't all for nothing. I want to believe that I'll see you again once this is all over. To be honest, I don't think I'm going to last much longer. I've been losing weight, and I get tired so easily. It never really feels like I'm rested. And just walking here from the parking lot has me out of breath. I know, I should eat better, exercise... But I just can't anymore. I look like shit, and I know it. My hair is actually greying a bit! I never thought it'd happen to me! But I can't seem to care enough to do anything about it. All I want to do is sleep. Maybe it's for the best, really. I'm nothing without you, after all. You're my better half.” He smiled bitterly, clenching a clump of grass between his fingers, pulling it up with a satisfying tearing sound. The grave remained silent, for obvious reasons.  
“Sometimes I really convince myself that you aren't gone. I know how stupid that is, but I still accidentally respond to you, even though you aren't there to say anything for me to respond to. And I sometimes think I hear you going through doors and stuff, and I run up to see you, but you aren't there. You're never there. And I think that I hurt even more because I can't accept it. If I would just get the idea through my head, maybe I could get over you a little. But I keep going in circles, telling myself that I'm just having a bad dream, and when I wake up you'll be there in bed, cuddled up to my side and waiting for me to wake up. And my hearts breaks all over again when that doesn't happen. And you know what? You really fucking suck! I mean really, what the hell babe? How could you leave me here all alone? What am I supposed to do without you? But I'm not being fair. It's my fault that you aren't here, I know it. Emil and Tino always tell me that I'm being stupid, but I know it was my fault. I wish you were here so you could get angry and smack me, then forgive me, and we could move on.”  
The sun was finally starting to dip below the horizon, though not by much, just enough to send the landscape into a faintly orange glow. The man turned, shuffling so that he was facing the headstone.  
“Lukas, I... God, I loved you so much. I still love you. I'll never stop loving you. You mean the whole world to me, and there's not a damn thing I wouldn't have done for you. If I could take your place under this cold dirt, I would do it in a heartbeat. You have so much more to live for than I do, so I think you'd manage without me. But I just... I can't do this anymore. You're all that ever mattered, and I know there's just no way that I'm ever getting over you. I'm not really living anymore. Technically I'm still breathing, and my heart is still pumping, but I think my life force was buried with you. Like I said, I've been wasting away. And... Well, now that Emil and Tino are supporting themselves and at least a little happy, and I've made peace with you... Well, this hunk of stone with your name on it anyway... Maybe it'd be for the best if I just join you now. Why prolong the inevitable, right? Anyway babe, I've got to get going. The sun is going down, and it's been getting a lot colder lately. I think it's supposed to snow tomorrow. Alright, I love you, and I'll see you soon.” He promised, gathering the few belongings he had brought with him and placing them in his bag. Once that was slung over his shoulder, he spared one last grave at the headstone, then turned and walked back to his car. He didn't return to the cemetery for another month.   
-.-.-+-.-.-  
“Emil? Emil, over here.” A blonde man, standing at average height, waved to another man, this one with nearly white hair. Emil located the source of the noise and joined his cousin, along with the towering, flaxen haired man that Emil had learned was Tino's boyfriend. Emil and Tino shared a hug, squeezing each other a little harder than was necessary. They held each other longer than a usual hug, sharing a sigh before parting. Tino looked at his younger cousin sadly, his brows knitted upwards in the middle. Emil frowned, looking away. They both knew what had to be done, but neither was looking forward to it in the least.   
“Hei, Ber? Could you get my gloves out of the car? It's chilly out today.” Tino asked sweetly, his lover nodding and making his way to the parking lot to fulfill the request. They waited till the taller had disappeared, then spoke in hushed tones.  
“Did you know?” Emil asked.  
“No, he didn't sound any different when I called him last week. He sounded cheerful even! But...” Tino trailed, biting his lip. Emil sighed again, resting his forehead against Tino's shoulder.  
“I just... I can't believe that we lost them both.” He admitted, letting a single tear escape his eyes. Tino grimaced, doing his absolute best to hold back his tears, if only for Emil's sake.  
“I know, Emi, I know.” He whispered.  
“But... I'm not surprised. About Mathias anyway.”   
“I don't think anyone is. It would take an idiot not to see this coming.” Tino agreed. The two turned their heads at the sound of feet on gravel, Berwald having returned with Tino's gloves. The smallest of the three took his gloves, offering his love a kiss for his effort. “Thank you.” The giant nodded, his cheeks flushed a sweet pink color.   
The three chatted for a few minutes, trying to delay the inevitable as long as possible, but eventually it was time for the service.   
Once it had begun, and everyone had been seated, everything was explained to the mass that had gathered. Mathias had been a popular guy, after all.  
He had been found laying in a boat in the middle of a Norwegian lake, one that Emil claimed Mathias and Lukas had frequented in life. He was surrounded by pictures in frames, which now adorned his casket, all of them depicted he and Lukas together. And the boat was laden with purple heather, Mathias practically swimming in it as he glided across the water for days. There were no traces of food or water, not that it was surprising to anyone. The mortician had done his best, but Mathias' cheeks were gaunt, his face showing the emaciation of nearly a week spent on the water. It was painful to see, but none could look away. Perhaps, his relatives thought, he should have had a closed casket, as his husband had. But it was too late, the damage had been done. Tino and Emil both knew that they would remember Mathias this way. Maybe they could remember him when he was well, alive, but the last image they would see would always be this one, and they knew.   
Neither managed to hold back the tears very long into the service. This was the second loved one they had lost in what seemed like no time at all. Tino sobbed audibly, having to be tucked into Berwald's shoulder to muffle his sorrow. Emil cried silently, though his frame shook, and he eventually folded himself into Tino's arms, adding his tears to the growing wet spot on Berwald's shirt. Berwald frowned, trying to comfort both as much as he could, silently cursing Mathais for hurting them like this. But he didn't mean it, not really. He knew, for sure, that the once jovial man was in his rightful place now, wrapping his arms around his lover as Berwald himself was doing in that moment.   
Tino, Emil, and Berwald were the only one's that insisted on remaining while Mathias was buried, placing fresh flowers on his grave, as well as Lukas'. They were, appropriately, right next to each other. Berwald had actually feared that they would accidentally unearth a bit of Lukas' casket, but it didn't happen, thankfully. He waited for the two to finish weeping into the fresh snow, their sobs echoing a bit in the deserted cemetery across from the elementary school, then ushered them into Tino's car. He spared a glance backwards, smiling silently to himself when he saw the faint outline of two figures, one in blue and one in black, embracing near the graves that he knew were Mathais and Lukas'. It wasn't ideal, he knew, but at least they were together again. In life and in death.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, I don't know where this came from. I promise I'm not suicidal or anything, this just... Happened all of a sudden! It practically wrote itself! Perhaps this is the child of all the stress I'm under right now... That could be it. But I'm nearly done, just two more weeks till I graduate, then I am DONE. Until college. But that's another story for another day.   
> So, internet sweets for anyone who knows which story this could be a crossover for. It's one of my favorite stories! Since I'm sure there aren't a lot of people on AO3 that would know, I'll just spoil it. This one goes with a story called 'Living Stone' by Terra Saltt on Fanfiction.net. You don't have to read it to understand this story at all, but if you do you'll probably smile a few times when you see where they cross over. And it kind of gives me an excuse for the cheesy ending. Long story short, Berwald used to be the guardian of that cemetary, explaining his ability to see Lukas and Mathias at the end. 
> 
> Anyway, I got to thinking that this would be a good way to test the improvement of my writing skills. I'd like to know how I did at pulling at your emotions. If you cried, then I definitely succeeded, and if you felt even a little bit sad, then I can accept that. Please let me know your reaction as you read, it helps me gauge my progress. And if you have suggestions, please, tell me! I'm always eagar to get better at what I do!   
> I've been in a DenNor mood here lately. I was actually thinking of doing something from Norge's POV. But that's going to be hard for me. Getting into his head and keeping him in character... He's so different from Tino, I'm going to be so out of my element. But I like the idea of it, so maybe that will get written someday. Likely after the last chapter of Fourteen Days though. So no breath holding. 
> 
> If you want to find me on another site, here are some helpful links.
> 
> Deviantart: http://ask-nstac.deviantart.com/ (An ask profile, drawn answers)  
> Tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/ask-kuroriya (An ask profile, written answers)  
> Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Kuroriya 
> 
> Thank you for reading, and feedback is always appreciated! 
> 
> KuroRiya  
> 九六りや


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